


When the Light Fades

by Counting_the_stars



Category: Outlander & Related Fandoms, Outlander (2008), Outlander (TV), Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: Angst?, Best Friends, Crush, F/M, Fluff, Love, Mistake, One Shot, Oneshot, Scotland, Unrequited Love, friends - Freeform, inspired by a song
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-17
Updated: 2020-02-17
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:09:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 19,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21832720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Counting_the_stars/pseuds/Counting_the_stars
Summary: A One-Shot inspired by a song that has nothing to do with the content. Best friends for so long, could they ever be anything more?
Relationships: Claire Beauchamp/Jamie Fraser
Comments: 87
Kudos: 357





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Should I be working on the other two fics I have on the go? Yes.  
> Did I write this instead? Yes.  
> Will you enjoy it? I hope so.

Jamie hissed as the broken glass pierced his thumb, blood immediately welling at the puncture. He dropped it back onto the hardwood floor with a huff of frustration as he put his thumb in his mouth to staunch the flow of blood. How did he get here? Cleaning up a shattered tumbler of whisky (good whiskey at that) and dealing with, what some would say was an anger management problem. 

It wasn’t his fault! Didn’t she know that? They had been friends for so long- too long one would think, to be anything more than just friends. He loved her, of course he did, he always had. How could he not? Molten lava eyes that seemed to melt any inhibitions he had and made him do stupid, crazy things- like shatter a glass of whisky upon her hasty exit.

It wasn’t his fault.

\----

“I bought pizza, I bought beer, I have ice-cream, biscuits, wine and I have a terrible christmas movie that we should watch.” Claire stood at Jamie’s front door, her arms full of bags and a gleeful, yet mischievous grin on her face.

“Seems ye’ve thought of everything then, haven’t ye?” Jamie stepped to the side and Claire passed him in a rush. Her hair smelled like peaches.

“I am nothing, if not prepared.” There was a smugness about her as she put down her bags that Jamie couldn’t help but love about her. It was a sense of confidence that she exuded from her very core. People thought that she was arrogant- stuck up, but Jamie knew Claire. He knew that it was mostly a front and that she had been hardened by trauma far too early in her life. The protective shell she had built around herself like a fortress hardly ever came down. She felt and hurt deeply but she didn’t let anyone see that part of her. She was not weak, she was one of the strongest women that Jamie knew and he admired her. Her strength, her resilience- she was not an easy woman in the slightest, but she was very easy to love. 

“I thought that ye had a date tonight?” Jamie scratched the back of his neck nervously. He couldn’t help it. He didn’t want to hear about her dating other men. It wasn’t that Jamie was jealous, it wasn’t that he wanted to be the one that dated her, it was just that since she had been going out more and more, he seemed to want to hear about her sexual exploits less and less. That’s not to say that Jamie wasn’t actively dating anyone- He’d had a date last night that ended well enough and he was still trying to figure out if he should call the lass back for a second.

“He cancelled.” Claire shrugged nonchalantly, as if it were water off a duck's back. Nothing personal, nothing to worry about, but Jamie saw her eyebrows tick in annoyance. 

“His loss,” Jamie grunted as she opened up a beer and handed it to him.

“Exactly. I’m a catch.”

\---

“Will you shut up and watch the movie?”

“I’m sorry, but she’s meant to be a journalist. She types in “Christmas Surprise” and only one result comes up, and she says it’s a dead lead. She’s a shite journalist. Look what happens if I google it.” Jamie pulled out his phone as Claire rolled her eyes at him.

“See, I’ve got five videos of someone giving a christmas gift. I’ve got a news article about a pensioner brought to tears because of some gift, wait there’s one- two- three- four stories about that. I’ve got book results for bairns, and a… a fuckin’ article about Kim Jong Un’s Ugly Christmas Surprise: A Return to Threats of War. Shite. I should read that later.”

Claire snorted with laughter as Jamie scrolled through his phone.

“She looked up one result and it gave her a sentence in response and she says that lead is cold,” Jamie huffed.

“Yes, because that’s the most unbelievable part of this movie. Not the fact that she’s carrying around a three foot wooden carving of an angel that is supposed to help you to fall in love. No. Googling one result- that’s the flaw in this movie.”

“Also, why is the text on her computer size 42 point. What person aside from 90year olds have their font at 42point?” Jamie continued in mock outrage at the terrible christmas movie that Claire had chosen.

“So you’re major concerns for this movie are centered around the computer?” Claire grinned as she looked up at him.

“She’s a journalist. It’s meant to be a plot point for her and she’s using the computer like it’s the first time she’s ever seen one.”

Claire laughed and Jamie’s heart warmed at the sound. He had always loved her laugh. She had a few different types. One when she was trying to hold back a laugh and ended up laughing anyway, creating a raspberry with her lips and resulting in a lot of saliva. The laugh she had when something was unexpectedly funny and she almost shouted. Her silent laugh- when Jamie knew that he had really got to her with something very funny and she went bright red with tears in her eyes. Her sarcastic laugh- when she didn’t want to laugh at something that Jamie had said, but it was funny so she laughed sarcastically until she actually was laughing.

“There she goes again. Better increase that font size sweetheart, ye almost have one full word per line.”

“Shut up and enjoy it.” Claire shook her head as she picked up her half empty glass of wine.

“I’m not sayin’ that I am’na enjoyin’ it. I’m just sayin’ it’s ridiculous.”

“That’s the point of Christmas movies. They are supposed to be terrible and predictable, and the girl finds the prince, there’s an old man that just appears everywhere, and he’s santa and there’s a misunderstanding and everybody’s heart is broken. But wait, what’s that? A letter in a hidden desk- everything is saved!”

As Claire said the words, the movie showed the woman looking around her desk, finding a hidden stack of letters and calling out to the male lead. Jamie burst out laughing.

“Have ye seen this one before?”

“No!” Claire answered in surprise. “I’m just very good at Christmas movies.”

“They’re unbelievable,” Jamie said shaking his head. “Imagine if I just showed up at a cabin unannounced, when ye hadn’t even given me an address. Ye’d have me arrested.”

“I know you. That’s not that surprising. I think I’d let it pass.”

“Aye, but if we’d only been datin’ for a week and then I turn up.”

“We aren’t dating.” Claire’s voice turned uncharacteristically serious and she sat up slightly on the couch before throwing back the rest of her wine in one gulp.

The mood shifted over them and Jamie didn’t know what he’d said to upset her but they sat in silence for the rest of the movie. When it finished Claire packed up her things, smiled at him, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes and was gone.

\---

The next few days passed quietly enough. Jamie decided to call back his date after he saw Claire at a coffee shop with some other lad Jamie didn’t recognise. He’d thought about stopping and saying hello, but if they were on a date he didn’t want to interrupt. Claire would probably tell him about it later anyway. She looked like she was enjoying herself well enough and Jamie didn’t want to spoil anything for her.

Jamie would be lying if he said that he hadn’t thought about him and Claire as a couple- of course he had. They had been friends for such a long time, they knew everything there was to know about each other and his sister liked to ask him when he would finally settle down with her. But the timeline for Jamie and Claire to be a couple had well and truly passed by now. If it hadn’t happened before now, surely it never would. Also, Jamie supposed, he didn’t want anything to come in between his friendship with Claire. Only Jenny knew Jamie as well as Claire did, and Claire probably knew a little bit more. It would be strange, wouldn’t it- to be dating your best friend?

He wasn’t jealous of Claire dating other men, just as she wasn’t jealous about him dating other women. They were both adults, trying to find their way in life, and they had each other as their constant best friend. There should be no jealousy there. Though, seeing Claire in that coffee shop had stirred something in Jamie and he very much did not want to explore what that meant.

\--

The second date with Mary went well. She was…. She was nice- very quiet and upon reflection one of Jamie’s favourite bars was probably not the most ideal date. She seemed to perk up a bit after her third glass of wine, liquid courage perhaps, and she shuffled her chair closer to his and put her hand on his thigh. They had been silent for a while, watching the singer belt out a few songs. Jamie didn’t really know what to talk to Mary about. He knew what she did (Office Manager), he knew about her family (Mother, Father, two younger brothers), he knew what she did on the weekends (housework, cleaning, occasionally a movie) and he only sort of knew her sense of humour (simple, easy jokes, nothing too sarcastic, puns and dad jokes seemed to pass over her head). What else was there to know about her? More to the point- did Jamie want to know anything more about her?

If he was with Claire they would more than likely be talking about the singer, what song he should do next and probably making up an elaborate backstory about how he came to be a singer and the tragedy in his life made him the kind of man to be singing in a packed out pub on a Friday evening.

Jamie shifted uncomfortably in his chair. He didn’t think that there would be a third date with Mary. They had things in common, but Jamie didn’t know if it was enough. He was sure that Claire would like her, Mary seemed like she was the kind of person that everybody liked, but it just felt like there was something missing. Chemistry? They hadn’t kissed yet, so perhaps he needed to kiss her to see.

“Mary?” Jamie’s voice rose slightly to be heard over the music and she turned to look at him, smiling widely.

Her hair was a similar colour to Claire’s- maybe a few shades lighter and her eyes were green, not golden-brown. Mary was pretty, pink full lips and blushed cheeks from the wine, but was Jamie attracted to her? He supposed so. He did want to kiss her after all. The door to the pub opened and a gust of cold wind whipped through the pub.

“May I kiss ye?”

Mary nodded as her tongue poked out to wet her lips in anticipation. Jamie lent forward and their lips met.

\---

Nothing. Jamie felt nothing. As he sat on his couch later that evening with a tumbler of whisky rolling between his palms he thought about how it felt to kiss Mary- and he felt nothing. They may as well have shaken hands for the spark that came between them. He was disappointed but it did sure up what he had suspected. There would be no third date.

Jamie had pulled back quickly from the kiss, Mary’s eyes were still closed and he shook his head.

“I’m sorry, lass. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“I… I didn’t mind,” Mary stammered.

“No, I ken. I just… I’m sorry. That was a mistake.”

“Oh.” Mary’s cheeks flamed bright red and she very quickly removed her hand from Jamie’s thigh.

“Christ, I’m sorry. I just meant… yer really great, ye are. I just don’t think that we should… erm, I’m sorry, ye really are great.”

“I see.” Mary nodded before she picked up her bag and coat. “I should go. It was… erm… it was nice to see you again Jamie. Goodnight.”

And then she had gone and Jamie had ordered another drink. Now he was sitting on his couch berating himself for how he had responded to the situation when there was a knock on his door. He hoped it wasn’t Mary.

\---

Claire stood at his front door nervously shuffling from foot to foot- not a good sign, Claire was rarely nervous.

“Claire? What’s wrong? Are ye alright?”

“I’m fine, fine.” Claire waved away the comment as she strode into his house, not bothering to take off her jacket. She was pacing in the living room, her eyes on the single tumbler of whisky on the coffee table. Her hair smelled like apricots.

“Would ye like to take a seat?” Jamie asked slowly, watching her get more and more agitated.

“Is there anyone else here?” She asked not looking up at him, still making tracks across his hardwood floors, eyes still on the single glass.

“Just me,” Jamie answered in confusion. “What’s going on?”

She looked up quickly as if to try and see if Jamie was telling the truth and for the first time he noticed the redness of her eyes. Was she drunk? Had she been crying?”

“Are ye alright?” Jamie took a step closer to her and was surprised when she took a stumbling step backward.

“I’m fine. I told you. Fine.” Her voice was short and clipped and her curls were slowly escaping from the ponytail at the pack of her head. “I saw you tonight, at the bar, with your date.”

“Aye,” Jamie nodded once, still not quite understanding what was going on.

“How did it go?” Claire tried to ask conversationally but Jamie could see her playing with her fingers nervously and she was bouncing onto the balls of her feet and back again.

“Fine.”

“Fine was it? Fine when you were snogging her? Was that fine?” Claire asked, her voice breaking slightly at the end.

“I suppose so,” Jamie answered slowly in confusion. “Claire, I dinna ken what is goin’ on.”

“I just… how can you… we’ve been friends for so long…”

“Aye, we have… ye are’na makin’ any sense. Ye ken we both go on dates…”

“I know, yes, you do, I mean we do. We have. But I’ve never seen you on a date before. I haven’t seen you kiss any of your other dates before,” Claire blurted the words out and Jamie felt his heart thump irregularly in his chest. She couldn’t be jealous of him. They weren’t dating. They were friends. That time had passed, hadn’t it?

“Aye, that generally happens when ye go on a date… ye kiss.”

“It just surprised me, is all. I didn’t realise that you were that serious.”

“It’s not.” It was a simple kiss. A second date. A date that Jamie regretted and now knew that he wouldn’t be seeing her again.

“But you kissed her.”

“Aye, I’m sure ye’ve kissed yer dates.”

Claire shook her head quickly, her eyes darting around the room quickly before landing back on Jamie. “I’ve been waiting.”

“Waiting?” Jamie repeated stupidly. “Waiting for what?”

Claire looked at him surprise- genuinally looked at him for the first time since she had burst through his door.

“You don’t know?”

“I don’t know, what?”

Claire swallowed quickly before she ducked her head and started moving toward him, ready to leave.

“I should go.”

“Wait, what?” Jamie turned quickly as Claire tried to pass him. “Claire, I dinna understand anything that is going on right now.”

“It’s fine. I shouldn’t have come here, I shouldn’t… I shouldn’t…” Claire paused, her eyes were watery and Jamie thought that she might burst into tears at any moment.

“Please, tell me what’s going on.”

Claire took a deep, shuddering breath and seemed to shake herself off.

“How can you not see it?” Claire’s voice was soft, as if she was too afraid to raise it any louder.

“See what?”

“I love you, Jamie.” It was barely a whisper.

“I love ye too, Claire. Ye ken that.” Jamie shook his head in confusion. 

“No, Jamie.” Claire took a deep breath and looked up at him. “I… I love you. I always have and you just… you don’t see me like that. It kills me. I want to see you happy and if dating other people makes you happy then I should be alright with it. But I’m not.” Claire’s eyes darted back to the single whisky on the table and back to Jamie’s quickly. “I want you to be happy, but I want you to be happy with me.”

Jamie’s mouth opened and closed a few times at the confession. He never thought that this would be a conversation that he and Claire would have. Jamie stayed silent for too long and he saw Claire start to clam up.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything, I should go.” Claire turned quickly to leave and it took a few seconds for Jamie’s brain to catch up and stop her.

“No, wait, don’t go.”

Claire paused with her hand on the door knob, he could see that she was trembling- what it must have taken for her to come to him tonight and confess her feelings for him, and he had been so oblivious.

“I’m sorry, I’m just… I’m surprised.”

“I wasn’t expecting you to suddenly confess these deep down, unrequited feelings for me, Jamie. I just… I needed to tell you. I couldn’t hold onto it anymore, but… you’re happy, and it’s not with me and I guess I’ll be ok with that… I just need some time. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come.” Claire twisted the door knob and started to let herself out before Jamie grabbed her arm to stop her.

“Claire, I just… we should talk about this. Ye can’t just walk in here, tell me ye love me and then leave. Ye have to let me react.”

“You don’t know how to react and that tells me volumes. I didn’t want to ruin our friendship and it feels like I’ve just done exactly that. I should go and leave you alone for a while.” Claire sniffed and quickly wiped her nose on her sleeve.

“Damn it, ye haven’t given me a chance to say anything. Ye just come in, confess these things and then just breeze on out of here. That’s no’ fair.” Jamie was starting to get frustrated. This was just like Claire. So often she would announce something and then leave without dealing with the consequences. It was a surprise to Jamie that she felt something more than friendship with him and of course he had thought about them together, but the time for that had passed. They had moved onto too much of a friendship, or so he had thought. How long had she been feeling like this? Why didn’t she say anything to him sooner?

“This was a mistake. I shouldn’t have said anything.” Claire shook her head and tried to pull her arm free from Jamie when he realised that he was still holding her, afraid that if he let go she would run from the building.

“Why did ye? Why now?” Jamie asked roughly, he was completely unprepared for this conversation.

“Call it too much to drink, call it seeing you with someone else and an overwhelming sense of jealousy, I don’t know, but I don’t think that I could have held onto it for much longer. But I should go. This was a mistake. I shouldn’t have said anything.” Claire sounded tired, like all of the adrenaline had let her body in one fell swoop and Jamie felt the tension leave her body like a balloon deflating.

“Why are ye trying to run away from me? What’s the point in telling me that, only to regret it and run away?” Jamie’s voice was rough and he was working hard to keep it even. Of course he loved her, of course he thought about them together, but that was a fantasy that he had put to bed a long time ago. But for that fantasy to suddenly become reality? Jamie didn’t know how to feel. Confusion- first and foremost. Anger- though he didn’t know why. Hurt- years they could have had together. 

“Because running is easier, you know that, you know me,” Claire answered with a sigh.

“I do… I do know you, but I didn’t know this.”

“And now you do.”

“Aye. Now I do.”

An uneasy silence settled over them. Jamie didn’t know what to say, but he was still holding onto her arm and stopping her from leaving. Claire wouldn’t look at him, a spot on the corner of the wall beside him having captured her attention. Jamie’s thoughts were running wild as he tried to think of what he should say to her, what he could say to her. Did he love her like that? Could he love her like that? She was easy to love, Jamie knew that, and he did love her- deeply.

“Just let me go Jamie. I’ll probably wake up tomorrow and regret saying anything.”

Regret- Jamie flinched as if she had struck him. “Will ye? Regret sayin’ it?”

Claire sighed heavily and shrugged out of Jamie’s grasp. “I know you Jamie. Better than anyone else. I know the type of woman you like and I’m not it. At least I got this off my chest but probably at the cost of our friendship and I just… yes I regret it.”

Jamie let his arm drop away from her. Yes- she knew him better than anyone else, though he didn’t think that he had a “type” of woman.

“For,” Jamie’s voice cracked, “for how long have ye known?”

Claire shook her head and bit her bottom lip, not wanting to say. 

“How long?” Jamie repeated. He had no right in being angry with her but he was. He thought that he knew everything about her but she had been holding back from him. How had he never noticed before? He was angry at himself for not picking up on it.

“Do you remember when we went for a drive to Aberdeen, when you’d just got your license?” Claire asked carefully. She still wasn’t looking at him. “And we went to that garden… Seaton Park,” Claire continued without waiting for his response. “We were sitting on the grass near the lake. You’d just starting seeing that young blonde girl, Laoghaire and you said… you said that you wished your first kiss was better, that it was sloppy and all over the place and that was how Laoghaire kissed.”

Jamie thought back to the memory but was coming up blank with the specifics. He remembered the drive to Aberdeen and sitting in the park with Claire but he didn’t remember what they spoke about that. That was years ago. 

“And I said that my first kiss was a disappointment as well. And that we should have just kissed each other and dealt with the awkwardness then so that our future kisses would have been better.”

Jamie shook his head. They were only 16…. no 17 years old then. They were in their late 20’s now. Years and years she had been holding back from him. 

“You laughed at me and we never spoke about it again. But I knew. I knew then that I wanted to kiss you and only you. But you… you didn’t want me...”

Jamie shook his head feeling his anger at himself flare up. Lost years they could have had together. Throw away the friendship for something better, for a deeper love, for something that would last forever. Not to say that their friendship wouldn't, but to have that different kind of depth with each other. 

“Goodbye Jamie. I’m sorry for this. For everything.”

Jamie was too caught up in his own beratement and realised too late that Claire had left and he was standing alone in his apartment with a lingering smell of apricot- her hair. 

He had no idea that she felt anything more than friendship for him. Jenny has been hinting at it for years but he thought that she was just messing around. He didn’t think that Claire looked at him any different then when he looked at her. How could he not have seen it? Did she blame him for not seeing it?

She said that he didn’t want her. Did she know him at all? He always wanted her. She was his best friend. Did he want her like that though?

Jamie quickly grabbed his phone from the coffee table and tried calling her. It went straight to voicemail. He hung up and tried again, and again, and again. Now she was ignoring him. It wasn’t his fault that he didn’t know. She’d never hinted at anything more. 

At each passing moment, each call going to voicemail, each unanswered text, Jamie became more and more agitated. 

How could she just dump this on him and then not answer when he tried to call her. 

“Claire, I need ye to pick up. We need to talk about this. Ye can’t… ye can’t just ignore me like this.”

Jamie was staring at the tumbler of whisky on the table when his phone vibrated. 

-I just need to be alone for a bit. I shouldn’t have said anything. I’ll call you later.-

Jamie typed and retyped a response to her, eventually just deleting everything and choosing not to respond. 

Fuck. He was angry. Angry with Claire. Angry with himself. They had been friends for so long, the chance for them to be anything more had passed.

Picking up the glass of whisky he flung it at the wall, watching as the glass shattered and the amber liquid splattered against the wall. Amber like her eyes. Liquid gold. 

That was a stupid idea and Jamie sighed heavily as he went to get the dustpan and brush and start cleaning up. 

Jamie hissed as the broken glass pierced his thumb, blood immediately welling at the puncture. He dropped it back onto the hardwood floor with a huff of frustration as he put his thumb in his mouth to staunch the flow of blood. How did he get here? Cleaning up a shattered tumbler of whisky (good whiskey at that) and dealing with, what some would say was an anger management problem. 

It wasn’t his fault! Didn’t she know that? They had been friends for so long- too long one would think, to be anything more than just friends. He loved her, of course he did, he always had. How could he not?

It wasn’t his fault. He didn’t know.


	2. Lights Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh how life changes when you look at it from a different perspective.

Shame. She was ashamed and embarrassed. Why did she say anything? She’d ruined them. She should have just kept her mouth shut and now she had lost it all.

But how could he not see? How could he not see the way that she looked at him? She thought it was so obvious and she was so tired of carrying around her love for him. He told her that she had a glass face, so how could he have missed this?

She hadn’t thought about it, she had just gone to him, barely remembered to grab her jacket and before she knew it she was standing in front of him. What a mistake that had been.

How could he not know?

\--

She had to tell him. It was nearly Christmas, and maybe she had watched too many terrible Netflix specials about Christmas, but it seemed like tonight was the night for a Christmas miracle. It always worked out in Christmas movies when the protagonist suddenly realised that they had what they wanted all along- so why shouldn’t it work out for her? She would tell him tonight and that would be that.

Provisions. She would take provisions. It would just be a casual hang out together and then she would tell him. She didn’t know how he would react, but she was going to tell him. It was her cancelled date that sealed the deal. Fate- some would call it. Her date canceled on her, and she didn’t really mind all that much. It had to be done, she had to tell him- she couldn’t keep living with this stupid secret.

“I bought pizza, I bought beer, I have ice-cream, biscuits, wine and I have a terrible Christmas movie that we should watch.” Claire stood in front of Jamie with her arms full of bags with her provisions. She smiled at him and loved the smile that she received in return.

“Seems ye’ve thought of everything then, haven’t ye?” Jamie stepped to the side and Claire passed him in a rush. He smelled like a bonfire, smokey, dark and subtle. It was an effort not to inhale him as she passed.

“I am nothing, if not prepared.” She made her way to his kitchen without asking. They were beyond that now. Friends for so long, if she really told him how she felt it might ruin everything. Maybe there wasn’t Christmas magic in the air. Maybe she shouldn’t say anything.

“I thought that ye had a date tonight?” 

She noted that Jamie was scratching the back of his neck which he only did when he was nervous. Was he expecting someone else to come over? Maybe she should have called. He did say that he was going on a date last night- Christ what if she was still there and Claire had crashed their date.

“He canceled,” She answered stiffly. She didn’t want to think about Jamie on another date when her own had cancelled on her, especially when she was going to tell him how she felt tonight. She didn’t want him to think that she was only saying it because hers had canceled.

“His loss,” Jamie grunted and she felt herself blush slightly. She couldn’t help it. Jamie brought something out in her that she loved about herself. He made her better and he didn’t even know it.

She opened a beer and handed it to him. “Exactly. I’m a catch.”

\--

Jamie shuffled on the couch as they watched the movie, occasionally his leg would brush up against her own and at one point his arm had slung across the back of the couch. If he shifted it any closer, she would probably be cuddled into him. She didn’t think she could hold back the confession if he did that.

Jamie audibly scoffed at a scene in the movie and Claire snorted with laughter.

“Will you shut up and watch the movie?” She chastised him. She didn’t mean it. This was part of the fun of watching terrible movies with Jamie- the way that he would pick them apart and leave Claire gasping for breath with laughter.

“I’m sorry, but she’s meant to be a journalist. She types in “Christmas Surprise” and only one result comes up, and she says it’s a dead lead. She’s a shite journalist. Look what happens if I google it.” Claire rolled her eyes at him as Jamie pulled out his phone to prove his point. The movement sat him up higher on the couch and away from Claire. No chance of his arms going around her now. She was disappointed.

“See, I’ve got five videos of someone giving a christmas gift. I’ve got a news article about a pensioner brought to tears because of some gift, wait there’s one- two- three- four stories about that. I’ve got book results for bairns, and a… a fuckin’ article about Kim Jong Un’s Ugly Christmas Surprise: A Return to Threats of War. Shite. I should read that later.”

Jamie’s forehead wrinkled as he looked at the news article and Claire scoffed with laughter.

“She looked up one result and it gave her a sentence in response and she says that lead is cold,” Jamie huffed. He sounded so put out by such a simple part of the movie that Claire couldn’t help grinning at him. There was so much to love about Jamie and this was definitely high on her list.

“Yes, because that’s the most unbelievable part of this movie. Not the fact that she’s carrying around a three foot wooden carving of an angel that is supposed to help you to fall in love. No. Googling one result- that’s the flaw in this movie,” Claire said sarcastically, baiting him to continue with his outrage. True to her prediction Jamie continued.

“Also, why is the text on her computer size 42 point. What person aside from 90year olds have their font at 42point?” Jamie sounded aghast. He was her best friend, she loved him deeply.

“So your major concerns for this movie are centered around the computer?” Claire looked over at him and saw that he was frowning at the television.

“She’s a journalist. It’s meant to be a plot point for her and she’s using the computer like it’s the first time she’s ever seen one.”

Claire laughed loudly and she saw Jamie smile at her. The smile he gave when he knew that he had said something funny and it had really got to her. He had a few different types of smiles. A cheeky grin when he was trying to entice her into doing something she didn’t want to do (and inevitably ended up doing). One when he was sad, but he didn’t want her to know it, it didn’t quite reach his eyes and the corners of his mouth dipped slightly. One (like the one he did just now) when he knew that he had really made her laugh and he was satisfied with her entertainment. A smile when he saw his sister and brother-in-law, pure joy at seeing the people closest to him. Claire had only seen him look at her a few times with that smile, specifically when they were around his family and she wasn’t really sure if the smile was actually for her, or for the fact that he was surrounded by people that loved him- Claire included- and much more than he knew.

“There she goes again. Better increase that font size sweetheart, ye almost have one full word per line.” Jamie tried to get Claire to laugh again and she shook her head as she picked up her half full glass of wine.

“Shut up and enjoy it.”

“I’m not sayin’ that I am’na enjoyin’ it. I’m just sayin’ it’s ridiculous,” Jamie mumbled as he threw his phone back onto the coffee table in front of them.

“That’s the point of Christmas movies. They are supposed to be terrible and predictable, and the girl finds the prince, there’s an old man that just appears everywhere, and he’s Santa and there’s a misunderstanding and everybody’s heart is broken. But wait, what’s that? A letter in a hidden desk- everything is saved!” Claire loved Christmas movies. They were always just so terrible, so predictable, but everyone was always happy in the end. Everything always worked out and if her life could be like a Christmas movie for just one night- tonight specifically, when she told him how she felt about him, all would be well in the world.

The movie showed the woman looking around her desk, finding a hidden stack of letters and calling out to the male lead and Jamie burst out laughing.

“Have ye seen this one before?”

“No!” Claire answered in surprise, she hadn’t actually been paying attention to the movie and noticed that the woman was now holding a stack of letters. “I’m just very good at Christmas movies.”

“They’re unbelievable,” Jamie shook his head. “Imagine if I just showed up at a cabin unannounced, when ye hadn’t even given me an address. Ye’d have me arrested.”

Jamie didn’t hate Christmas movies, but he didn’t understand the hopefulness that Claire found in them. Still, if Jamie did turn up at a cabin in the woods to confess his love for Claire, she thought that she would probably be alright with it.

“I know you. That’s not that surprising. I think I’d let it pass.”

“Aye, but if we’d only been datin’ for a week and then I turn up.” Jamie scoffed the words as if it was the most unbelievable notion he’d ever heard. Him and Claire dating - ridiculous.

Dating. They had never dated. They never would date. Claire’s Christmas miracle movie idea of confessing her feelings for him came crashing down around her. She was an idiot to think that it would be a good idea to say something to him. The idea of them together was clearly ludicrous and she was stupid for thinking that they could ever be anything more.

“We aren’t dating.” Claire said stiffly, more to herself than to him. They weren’t dating. They never would. She sat up slightly on the couch, moving away from him to pick up her wine and throw it back as quickly as she could. As soon as the movie would finish, she would smile at him, she would pack up her things and she would go. She was an idiot to think that they could ever be anything more than friends.

\--

Days passed and Claire tried to go on another date. Tom. He was nice enough, he made her smile but important things were missing between them. She knew what he did (Science Teacher), knew about his family (Father, Brother, Sister), knew what he did on the weekends (lesson planning, visiting his Brother, exercise) and she didn’t quite understand his sense of humour (he laughed at things that were mildly amusing, nothing hilarious and he hardly understood any of her terrible dad jokes and puns). There was no spark there. Nothing that made her want to come back to him. They hadn’t kissed. There was no chemistry to even warrant trying. She hadn’t kissed many of her dates. She was waiting. Waiting for someone to spark her interest enough to want to kiss them. No one had done that since she was 17 and he also happened to be her best friend. Not ideal.

Jamie was free to see other women. Of course he was. Why shouldn’t he? She didn’t have rights over him. But the more that he told her about the dates that he went on, the less she wanted to hear about them. She didn’t want to hear about the girl that had gotten completely plastered and thrown herself at Jamie, begging him to take her home. She didn’t want to hear about the girl who’s cleavage nearly knocked Jamie over when she turned to ask him a question. Nor about the girl that he was seeing again because she seemed nice enough and Claire would like her because she reminded him of her.

She had been so close to telling him how she felt. She was actually surprised that he hadn’t said anything before about how obvious it was. Jenny certainly liked to point it out often enough, though Jamie just laughed it off. They hadn’t even made that pact- the one where if they were both still single at 40, they would marry each other, just for the company. They were beyond that though, and they probably would spend their lives together- just not how Claire would have liked. They would be platonic friends and Claire would go to the grave with her secret. She was desperately in love with her best friend.

\--

She knew that Jamie was on a date. She didn’t want to see him. Claire wanted to wallow in misery and the best place to do that was McWilliam’s. She and Jamie had more than a few drunken nights there, the live music was always good and the drinks flowing. Jamie had described this newest date as “quiet” so she was sure that a busy pub would be the last place that they would be. Of course, McWilliam’s didn’t really start getting good until much later in the evening and the Irish Pub around the corner, O’Malley’s, had cheap enough drinks to sustain her until she could go where she really wanted.

Claire sat in a back corner early in the afternoon nursing a glass of red wine. One glass turned into two, two turned into three and three turned into a pint of beer, a vodka soda, a gin and tonic, and a shot of tequila for good measure. Claire knew that she was beyond a little bit tipsy, had been in the pub for far too long and if she wanted to even have one drink at McWilliam’s she would need to leave now. Checking her watch, she almost sent Jamie a message asking him to meet her for a drink before she remembered that he was on his date. Nadine… Mavis… no, M… something starting with M. Claire didn’t care. Whoever she was, she hoped that it didn’t last. The last thing Claire wanted to do was meet the girl.

The walk to McWilliam’s was short and the crisp evening air helped her to clear her fuzzy head, at least a little bit. She could hear the thump of music reverberating against the windows of the pub and she felt herself relax a little bit. The self pity dissipated for a moment. This was a happy place for her, and she could have a few quiet drinks before she went back to her flat and tried not to drunk text her feelings to Jamie.

Her sense of calm and peace was shattered approximately 6.8 seconds after walking through the door of the pub. A frigid breeze swung the door open as she entered and she gasped a little as the biting chill worked its way under her scarf. She turned to close the door behind her, the singer strumming lazily on a guitar while he sang Johnny Cash’s cover of a Nine Inch Nails Song - Hurt. Ironic, that he should be singing a song like that when she saw them.

Claire would be able to pick Jamie out from a line up in a Jamie look alike contest. She knew him well, knew his posture, knew how he brushed his hair, had helped him choose almost every outfit in his wardrobe and she would have picked him out in McWilliam’s from a mile away. 

(I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel. I focus on the pain. The only thing that’s real.)

Shit. He was on his date. His date was leaning closer to something that Jamie was saying before smiling and nodding. Claire took a step closer. Like a car crash- she couldn’t look away, except she was the car crash, she was the injured, she was the dying, she was the one who’s heart was going to stop beating. Jamie looked hesitant. Claire was only two tables away from them. She could call out to them, grab his attention, stop this from happening, but as it was as if in slow motion she felt her walls come crashing down around her.

(What have I become, my sweetest friend? Everyone I know, goes away in the end.)

She had never seen Jamie kiss someone before. Occasionally on the cheek in greeting, she’d seen him have his arm around his latest girlfriend but he always kept the PDA to a minimum around Claire. For a moment, when Jamie’s lips found his dates, Claire was shocked out of her body as she imagined that it was her sitting next to Jamie, it was her chin that he was tilting towards him, it was her lips that met his and then she blinked and she was exactly where she had been standing, staring at a couple who were blatantly making out in front of her.

(And you can have it all, my empire of dirt, I will let you down, I will make you hurt.)

Snip, crack, shatter, crush. The newest version of rice bubbles was Claire’s heart. Broken she turned quickly and left the way that she had come, turning at the last moment she saw Jamie’s date picking up her bag and her coat. Shit they were going back to one of their places and Claire had witnessed the kiss that had set it off.

Frozen tears stung her eyes as the early December chill shocked her system back out on the street. Hailing a taxi she simply asked him to drive. She gave him directions to her house, but at the last minute changed her mind and set a course to Jamie’s apartment.

Call it drunken decisions, call it a jealousy fuelled rage- she was going to tell him how she felt and damn it- he was going to listen.

\--

Somewhere between paying the outrageously expensive cab fare and standing in front of Jamie’s front door- Claire had lost her nerve. She was shuffling from foot to foot, trying to calm her racing heart. She needed to tell him, she needed to get this off her chest, because it was crushing her and it would start suffocating their friendship soon. She’d shed a few tears in the taxi and tried to discreetly dry her eyes on her coat. She probably looked a mess and she saw the cab driver look her over twice when she finally stepped out of the car.

This was it, it was now or never. He might not even be home. He might be at Matilda’s…. Whatever her name was.

Claire knocked.

\--

It took longer than usual for Jamie to come to the front door and Claire had a terrible sick feeling at the thought of Jamie needing to find pants to answer the door. She heard his heavy footsteps coming down the hallway and she tried to steady herself.

“Claire? What’s wrong? Are ye alright?” Jamie looked genuinely surprised to see her (she couldn’t blame him, she had shown up unannounced) and he was thankfully, still fully dressed.

Claire didn’t wait for an invitation, marching into his apartment, past him and waving away his questions with a brief “I’m fine, fine,”. He smelled like mossy, deep green forest and Claire almost closed her eyes at the comfort and familiarity of the smell.

She didn’t bother taking off her jacket- this would only take a minute, she just needed to get the words out. Claire’s eyes focused on the single glass of whisky on the coffee table. No second glass? Was Muriel here?

“Would ye like to take a seat?” Jamie asked. His eyebrows were furrowed and he looked somewhat alarmed. 

Claire probably looked a mess, the wind had done a number on her curly hair and she could feel her hair-tie holding together for dear life.

“Is there anyone else here?” She asked, ignoring his question, still focused on the single glass. She was too agitated and she started to pace. Not the cool, calm and collected appearance she wanted to exude, but here she was.

“Just me,” Jamie paused and she could feel him studying her. “What’s going on?”

Her eyes darted quickly to his and he took a step closer to her and she took an involuntary, stumbling step away from him. This would be easier if there was a bit of space between them.

“Are ye alright?” 

“I’m fine. I told you. Fine.” Claire mumbled the words as she tried to sort out what she wanted to say, how she was supposed to say this. “I saw you tonight, at the bar, with your date.”

“Aye.” A short sharp grunt from Jamie. He didn’t sound mad, but the date wasn’t here. What had happened between them?

“How did it go?” She tried to sound casual, as if this was a completely normal thing that she did all the time. Dropping by unannounced and telling your best friend that you saw them on a date, oh, and coincidentally, that you were also in love with them.

“Fine.”

Fine? Fine? That wasn’t an answer. She saw them kissing for goodness sake. More than kissing… that was… they were… someone might have been getting lucky with a kiss like that.

“Fine was it? Fine when you were snogging her? Was that fine?” Claire’s voice broke at the end and she coughed to try and cover it. Her emotions were already running high and Jamie’s answer of “fine” was simply not good enough.

“I suppose so,” Jamie shrugged and Claire wanted to hit him for how casual the gesture was. “Claire, I dinna ken what is goin’ on.”

Claire was speechless. Was he truly so clueless about how she felt about him? Was he so unaware of the effect he had on women, that he could kiss someone like that and then when asked about it, just say it was “fine.” 

“I just… how can you… we’ve been friends for so long…”

“Aye, we have… ye are’na makin’ any sense. Ye ken we both go on dates…” Jamie sounded perplexed and Claire was sure that if Jenny was there she would have whipped him with a tea-towel by now.

Of course they both went on dates, but it was entirely different seeing the man you love snog another woman in front of you. How could he not see that?

“I know, yes, you do, I mean we do. We have. But I’ve never seen you on a date before. I haven’t seen you kiss any of your other dates before,” Claire blurted the words out before she could stop them. Whatever filter she usually had around him, seemed to have crumbled with the word “fine”.

“Aye, that generally happens when ye go on a date… ye kiss.” 

“It just surprised me, is all. I didn’t realise that you were that serious.” Claire tried to regain some of her control. It wasn’t working.

“It’s not,” Jamie answered bluntly and Claire felt her temper start to flare up.

“But you kissed her,” Claire argued. How could it not be serious when a kiss went like that?

“Aye, I’m sure ye’ve kissed yer dates.”

Claire shook her head- she couldn’t look at him. How…how could he be so unaware? How could he not know that Claire had only loved him and that the people that she had kissed, paled in comparison to what she felt for Jamie? “I’ve been waiting.”

“Waiting?” Jamie repeated stupidly. “Waiting for what?”

“You don’t know?” Claire looked up at him and half mumbled the words. Of course he didn’t know. If he did, he would have said something by now. There were no secrets between them, except this, of course.

“I don’t know, what?”

“I should go.” She was stupid to have come here and think that she had the bravery to tell him how she felt and she was stupider to think that maybe, there might be some small part of him that felt the same way. She ducked her head and tried to leave.

“Wait, what?” Jamie turned quickly as Claire tried to pass him. “Claire, I dinna understand anything that is going on right now.”

She was going to cry. She knew it. She hated crying. Did anyone really enjoy it? “It’s fine. I shouldn’t have come here, I shouldn’t… I shouldn’t…”

“Please, tell me what’s going on.” Jamie’s voice was soft and gentle and Claire paused for a moment. Perhaps there was something there. Perhaps he was just waiting for her to say it. Claire took a deep, shuddering breath.

“How can you not see it?”

“See what?”

“I love you, Jamie.” She could barely say the words above a whisper, as if saying them too loud would make them less true.

“I love ye too, Claire. Ye ken that,” Jamie said as an automatic response. She should have expected that. They had told each other that they loved each other before, but it was always “you’re my best friend, I love you, I don’t know what I would do without you.” It was never this.

“No, Jamie.” Claire took a deep breath and looked up at him. It was now or never. “I… I love you. I always have and you just… you don’t see me like that. It kills me. I want to see you happy and if dating other people makes you happy then I should be alright with it. But I’m not.” Claire’s eyes darted away from his and back. The blue of his eyes seemed to shrink as his pupils expanded in surprise. “I want you to be happy, but I want you to be happy with me.”

Jamie’s mouth opened and closed a few times at the confession. He looked like a fish and Claire briefly fought off the grin that threatened to come to her face at the sight. But then he didn’t say anything…. And he still didn’t say anything and anything that could have been funny about the situation dissolved very quickly.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have mentioned it, I should go.” Claire turned quickly to leave. She shouldn’t have come. She shouldn’t have said anything. He clearly had no idea and he clearly didn’t feel the same for her. Now she had ruined their friendship as well. Perfect.

“No, wait, don’t go.” Jamie finally said something and Claire paused with her hand on the door knob. She was trembling and she flexed her hand, trying to stop the shaking, though it was vibrating from her core.

“I’m sorry, I’m just… I’m surprised.”

Claire sighed heavily and shook her head. “I wasn’t expecting you to suddenly confess these deep down, unrequited feelings for me, Jamie.”

She hadn’t been thinking that he would suddenly fall at her feet or take her in his arms and kiss her senseless, though that would have been nice. But now she just felt ashamed and embarrassed that she had said anything at all. “I just… I needed to tell you. I couldn’t hold onto it anymore, but… you’re happy, and it’s not with me and I guess I’ll be ok with that… I just need some time. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come.” Claire twisted the door knob and started to let herself out before Jamie grabbed her arm to stop her.

“Claire, I just… we should talk about this. Ye can’t just walk in here, tell me ye love me and then leave. Ye have to let me react.” He sounded angry and Claire couldn’t really fault him for that, but her embarrassment was eating away at her and now she just wanted to leave, go home and lick her wounds.

“You don’t know how to react and that tells me volumes. I didn’t want to ruin our friendship and it feels like I’ve just done exactly that. I should go and leave you alone for a while.” Claire sniffed and quickly wiped her nose on her sleeve. She needed to get out of there. Her face was burning with shame and embarrassment. She should have known Jamie better, she shouldn’t have said anything.

“Damn it, ye haven’t given me a chance to say anything. Ye just come in, confess these things and then just breeze on out of here. That’s no’ fair.” He was angry, she could tell. Why wouldn’t he be?

“This was a mistake. I shouldn’t have said anything.” Claire tried to shake her arm free from where Jamie was holding onto her. It was the only connection they had at that moment, Jamie touching her and part of her didn’t want him to let go. How could they ever go back to being friends now?

“Why did ye? Why now?” Jamie’s voice was rough and Claire winced. 

“Call it too much to drink, call it seeing you with someone else and an overwhelming sense of jealousy, I don’t know, but I don’t think that I could have held onto it for much longer. But I should go. This was a mistake. I shouldn’t have said anything.” Claire felt like she was on the edge of breaking down. Her body was suddenly exhausted and she just wanted to go home, curl up in her bed and forget that she had said anything in the first place.

“Why are ye trying to run away from me? What’s the point in telling me that, only to regret it and run away?” 

“Because running is easier, you know that, you know me.” Claire sighed heavily.

“I do… I do know you, but I didn’t know this.” Jamie sounded defeated, betrayed almost. And why wouldn’t he? They told each other everything and she had held onto this for so long. He thought that he knew everything there was to know about each other.

“And now you do.”

“Aye. Now I do.” Jamie was frowning and Claire glanced up at him quickly. She couldn’t look at him. Did he know how much it had cost her to say anything? Their entire friendship. She had cost them both an entire friendship because she couldn’t keep her secret, because she couldn’t not fall in love with her best friend.

“Just let me go Jamie. I’ll probably wake up tomorrow and regret saying anything.” She tried to soften the blow. Maybe if she passed it off like a crush, they might be able to move past it. Maybe if he thought it was a passing whim, years from now they would be able to laugh about the night that Claire got too drunk and told Jamie that she loved him.

Jamie flinched and Claire wasn’t sure why. “Will ye? Regret sayin’ it?”

Shrugging and finally removing her arm from Jamie’s grasp, Claire shook her head. “I know you Jamie. Better than anyone else. I know the type of woman you like and I’m not it. At least I got this off my chest but probably at the cost of our friendship and I just… yes I regret it.” It was a half truth. She regretted telling him and costing them both their friendship, but at least she didn’t feel like she needed to hide it from him anymore. 

“For,” Jamie’s voice cracked and he cleared his throat, “for how long have ye known?”

He clearly wasn’t buying that this was passing whim, a crush that she would get over on the weekend. Claire shook her head. How much more embarrassment would she have to endure? Though perhaps it was her comeuppance for dumping this so unexpectedly on him. 

“How long?” Jamie repeated, sounding like a calm sort of anger had settled over him and that was far more terrifying than if he had just yelled at her. She may as well tell him, she’d already dove in head first, what was the point in not following through?

“Do you remember when we went for a drive to Aberdeen, when you’d just gotten your license?” Claire asked slowly, she couldn’t look at him. It was such an old memory, so many years together. “And we went to that garden… Seaton Park. We were sitting on the grass near the lake. You’d just started seeing that young blonde girl, Laoghaire and you said… you said that you wished your first kiss was better, that it was sloppy and all over the place and that was how Laoghaire kissed.” Claire remembered Laoghaire. Blonde, blue eyes, voluptuous, loud, carefree- everything that Claire was not.

“And I said that my first kiss was a disappointment as well. And that we should have just kissed each other and dealt with the awkwardness then so that our future kisses would have been better.” Frank. All tongue, so wet, not remotely enjoyable. It got better over time, but still- first kisses were awkward and messy. It would have been better with Jamie. 

Claire glanced up at Jamie to see that his jaw had dropped open, his mouth making a comical little “o” shape. She could see him trying to remember what she was talking about. He probably wouldn’t. Why would he? Nothing had changed for him that day, but Claire knew. Sitting next to him, laughing about their tragic love-lives at 17 years old, she knew that she loved him, and he would never feel the same about her. It was a discovery that was all at once exciting and heartbreaking. Finding the person that was perfect for you in every way, to know that he would never feel the same.

“You laughed at me and we never spoke about it again. But I knew. I knew then that I wanted to kiss you and only you. But you… you didn’t want me...” That was the truth of the matter. He didn’t want her. He didn’t then, and he didn’t now. Claire could feel a sob starting to well deep in her chest, but she refused to cry in front of him.

She should go. Jamie was clearly in shock and wasn’t going to be able to respond any time soon. “Goodbye Jamie. I’m sorry for this. For everything.”

She waited a moment for Jamie to stop her once more, but he was lost in his own thoughts. She looked at him, trying to memorise him- as if she would ever forget- and she almost reached out to hug him. Maybe to pretend for a moment that he could love her back and that this night wasn’t wasted, but she couldn’t. Hugging him would be heartbreaking and she didn’t want to put herself through that.

Claire quietly opened the front door and let herself out, sealing her heart behind her in Jamie’s apartment. He smelled like the earth, fresh and new- he smelled like home.

\--

Claire walked down the darkened streets rather than wait outside Jamie’s place for a cab. He might run after her, and she didn’t think that she would be able to deal with that. She had spilled her heart and left it with Jamie. She wasn’t angry at him for his reaction. Not at all. She had dumped a lifetime of hidden emotions on him and he was speechless. Who could blame him?

She felt her phone buzz in her pocket. Jamie was calling her. She let it go to voicemail. She needed time. He needed time. She needed to go home and cry herself to sleep. He needed to figure out if he could still be friends with her, knowing that she loved him more than he loved her.

Her phone continued to buzz with calls and messages from Jamie, begging her to pick up. When she finally made her way home, safe in her apartment, tucked into her bed with tears leaking continuously from her eyes, she replied to one of his many text messages.

-I just need to be alone for a bit. I shouldn’t have said anything. I’ll call you later.-

Shame. She was ashamed. Why did she say anything? She’d ruined them. She should have just kept her mouth shut and now she had lost it all.

But how could he not see? How could he not see the way that she looked at him? She thought it was so obvious and she was so tired of carrying around her love for him. He told her that she had a glass face, so how could he have missed this?

How could he not know?

Just as she was starting to fall asleep she was startled awake.

A knock on her front door- gentle at first, she thought that she might be imagining it. The gentle tap, tap, tap became a steady pounding when she didn’t answer. And then her name, said in desperation- “Claire, please. Open up.”


	3. Falling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The /actual/ last chapter of this, because people were asking for it. @notevenjokingfic is actually the best, so thank you for the beta.

“Claire, please. Open up.”

Claire had never heard Jamie sound so desperate. Jamie had never needed a door to open so badly in his life. 

\--

As Claire curled herself up in her bed and tried to forget that her admission to Jamie had ever happened, Jamie had paced around his flat. 

He had picked up his phone, dialled her number frantically and tried to get her back. 

As Claire wondered how Jamie couldn’t have seen how she loved him; Jamie argued with himself that it wasn’t his fault for not knowing. 

They both reflected on their friendship- spanning two decades, awkward crushes, puberty, University, failed relationships, deaths in the family- they had been through it all together. 

\--

How could he not know?

\--

It wasn’t his fault. 

\--

Claire stood inside her apartment, staring at her front door. He was on the other side and she was terrified. 

A turning point for both of them. They had never been in this situation before, where they both didn’t know what the other was thinking. They were each other’s constant. When the world fell down around them, at least they had each other. Separated by a door, she had never felt so alone. 

Jamie stood in the hallway, breathing heavily with his heart pounding and pleading for her to open the door to him. He was petrified. 

Someone needed to do something. Jamie had come to her and she needed to open the door. A twisted handle could change everything. They could lose their friendship, go their separate ways and maybe one day find a way back to being friends again. 

Hope. There could be hope for them both. Like the predictable Christmas movies that Claire loved so much, they could come together, they could be something new. 

“Claire, please.” A desperate plea for her to open the door. 

“Jamie.” A whispered prayer, “Please don’t break my heart”. 

“We can do this conversation through the door, but I’d much prefer to be looking at ye.” A heavy sigh. Exhaustion? Frustration? Claire didn’t know what it meant. 

A long pause as Claire hesitated. 

“Dinna tell me that yer too scared to open the door. Because I’m shittin’ bricks out here.”

A laugh from behind the door on Claire’s side. He always knew how to make her laugh. Jamie let out a sigh of relief- Claire was still there. Not everything had changed between them. He could still read her, even if he couldn’t see her. So how did he miss this? How did he miss her love for him?

“Also yer neighbours may start talkin’ soon. It’s in both our best interests if ye just let me in.”

Let him in. It was all she ever wanted. To let him in completely to how she felt about him. But now, now that she’d done it, she wasn’t so sure.

The door handle twisted and Jamie held his breath. 

There they stood. Looking at each other, as they had countless times before but seeing each other properly for the first time in a long time. 

How long Claire could hold a secret. 

How Jamie couldn’t see how obviously she loved him. 

“Hi.” The word fell short of everything it meant to see him standing in front of her. Blue eyes running desperately over her face, trying to memorise every laugh line and freckle; the fullness of her lips, the way her eyes glowed red and golden all at once after too many tears had been shed over him. 

“Hi.” The whispered greeting as if he had suddenly lost his voice. Brown eyes avoiding meeting blue. Steeling herself for the breakdown of their relationship and preparing herself to say goodbye to the only man she had truly loved. 

“Can I come in?” He’d never asked before. They always simply arrived and let themselves in. Already things were changing between them. Her heart fluttered at the realisation and she stood aside to let him pass. 

His heart was in his throat as he stepped past the threshold of her flat. This was it, this was their moment. No matter what happened that night, things were going to change. 

—

An awkward silence between them. He looked at her and she looked away. Her heart had already broken once tonight, the final blow was hanging over the both of them. If only he would say something. 

She had curled into herself, arms wrapped around her middle as she shied away from him. Guilt tore through his gut as he finally saw everything that she had held back from him. He saw everything that he had been trying to deny for years. She loved him. And he loved her. He didn’t know how to start. How do you tell someone that you had been asleep for years and she had finally woken him up? If only she’d say something. 

She perched herself delicately in the armchair in the corner, not quite trusting the support of her legs. It was better to sit now and he could show himself out when this was done. 

He, however, couldn’t sit. The nerves shooting through his body made him move awkwardly as he began to pace. He’d had everything worked out in his head on his frantic drive to her place, but now faced with the prospect of actually saying those things out loud, he was struck dumb. 

“You didn’t have to come over, I’m alright really.” Her voice was a ghost of what it usually was. The words sounded hollow in her own ears and she wondered if Jamie could tell. 

She sounded defeated, tired, exhausted and it was his fault. He hadn’t noticed and he should have, but it seemed too good to be true. After all these years, she would feel anything more than friendship for him- impossible.

“Ye did’na let me… I couldn’t process… ye said a lot tonight and it took me by surprise.” He stuttered, stopped and restarted. This was so much easier in the car without her golden eyes on him. 

He sounded so unsure that Claire fought the urge to comfort him. This had never been their relationship. Too afraid to approach one another for fear of being rejected. She knew it was all her fault and she shouldn’t have said anything. 

“Thank ye for telling me,” Jamie said suddenly as Claire looked up at him. “I ken how hard it must have been and ye should… I want ye to always be honest with me.”

A pause between them. Claire was speechless and Jamie tried to figure out how to explain his heart. 

“I have’na always been honest wi’ ye.” Jamie was pacing in front of her, carving a well worn track into her rug like a caged animal. “Ye… ye said that ye’ve had feelings for me since we were… for a long time.” Jamie chanced a look at her and saw her curt nod in response. “My Da always told me about how when he met my Ma he just kent that she was the lass for him. That as soon as she said his name he felt like he was whole and there was’na any doubt in his mind that he would marry her.”

“I know,” Claire's voice cracked slightly. Brian loved that story and told it often. The star crossed lovers with disagreeing families. Ellen was dating someone else, Brian came home to visit one summer and never left. 

“We met when we were bairns and I did’na ken what it was about ye, but I knew… Claire I knew ye were somethin’ special to me.”

“Jamie.” Her voice was soft but he heard her. Only she said his name the way that raised the hairs on the back of his neck. When it was said with a plea he was almost completely undone. 

She couldn’t hear the rest of whatever he had planned. _“I knew you were something special to me, but that’s just as a friend.”_ She was preparing herself for the rejection but she didn’t think that she could hear any more of what he was saying. Her heart already hurt. She didn’t need the final nail in the coffin. 

“Please, let me finish, Claire.” His voice was uncharacteristically tense. Nobody said her name like Jamie. She was surrounded by Scots, but no one else made her heart shiver.

For as long as Claire had known him, he’d had a strange, albeit impressive, way of shielding his thoughts from everyone around him. Claire had always wondered what was going on in the deep recesses of his mind. As they grew together, she read his tells better. The fingers tapping on the side of his leg, the tightening around his eyes when he was uncomfortable or the slight twitch of his shoulders as if his shirt was too tight. 

Claire nodded but Jamie didn’t see. He wasn’t looking at her. He couldn’t. He wondered how on earth she had mustered the courage to tell him how she felt when he was tongue tied just imagining it. 

“It… well it didn’t fade over time exactly, but I became accustomed to it. Knowing that ye were always there and I did’na have to worry about being alone. I always kent that ye would drop everything and come to me, if ever I asked. And I never needed to, because ye always kent when I needed ye.” Jamie had stopped pacing but his fingers were tapping rapidly against his leg. He looked briefly at Claire and away again quickly, but she was focused on the carpet at his feet and didn’t notice. He wasn’t sure but he thought that her eyes were brimming with unshed tears. 

“Christ,” he breathed the word as he knelt before her. “Dinna cry lass, I have’na finished.”

Claire gave a sad chuckle and wiped away an escaped tear. “I’m not sure I want to hear the rest of it, to be perfectly honest.”

Jamie clasped her hands in his and felt how stiff she was. Jamie’s skin was hot, like he had just walked through fire and Claire felt a shiver begin at her fingertips and travel all the way to her scalp. Jamie had always run at a higher temperature than most people. 

Jamie scoffed and narrowly avoided rolling his eyes at her. It was just like her to assume she knew what he was going to say. More often than not, she actually did. But not this time. 

“Tonight I was faced with the thought that… that I would never have ye again… that ye might leave me. Tonight ye showed me, however briefly, what it would be like to not have ye and…” Jamie paused and Claire looked at him. Was it hope in her eyes?

“Ye scared the fuckin’ shite outta me.”

Claire breathed out a laugh at the declaration and Jamie smiled briefly. 

“It’s that… ye dinna ken what ye’ve got till it’s gone,” Jamie said hesitantly. “Sassenach, ye’ve always been there for me, and I’ve always been there for you. To lose ye… I dinna ken if I could handle with that.”

Claire shook her head quickly, trying to simply will the tears away, rather than let them fall. “I wouldn’t leave you, Jamie.”

“I ken, I ken,” he agreed absentmindedly. “But to have… to have more of ye, that’s…” Jamie paused to think of the word and Claire held her breath in anticipation. “That’s more than I could have ever hoped for.”

“What are you saying?” Claire needed to ask. Hope was a dangerous thing and Claire was barely holding on as it was.

“I’m saying that I… I love ye, Claire. I have since we first met but I did’na ken what it was then.”

“And you do now?”

“Aye, I’ve probably kent for much longer than was necessary but did’na do or say anything for fear of ruining what we have. I love ye... more than friends, I want us to be more.”

Claire swallowed heavily. “You’re so sure that you love me?” She asked skeptically. She didn’t mean to doubt him, especially after she had sprung the news of him that she was completely in love with him. It was just that… Claire had had years to think about it, to picture it, to imagine what their lives could be. She’d had years of doubting what she was feeling, questioning if it was real, putting it down to just being a crush or an infatuation before realising that she truly did love him. 

After years of them being friends, it seemed improbable that Jamie would suddenly have a change of heart in one night. 

“Ye dinna believe me?” Jamie sat back slightly on his heels. He could hear it in her voice. She didn’t believe him. 

“I want to,” Claire answered honestly. “Really. It would be…” Claire paused, “I want to. It’s just that I’ve had years to think about this, how I feel about you, and have had to continually make the choice not to act on it.”

“Until now,” Jamie interrupted. 

“Until now,” she agreed. “And, well, it just seems like in one night you’ve changed your mind about… about who we are to each other and I’m just not sure if you’ve really thought about it… about what this means for us.”

“Ye think I’m only… I’m only thinkin’ that I have feelings for ye, because ye told me about yours tonight?” Jamie clarified. His heart was beating heavily in his chest. Never had he been this nervous before and now she didn’t believe him. 

“Would you have said anything to me or would you have realised these feelings for me if I hadn’t said anything?” Claire asked. Jamie was still holding her hands. Where at first it was as a comfort, now he was gripping her tightly as if he was too afraid to let her go. 

Jamie opened his mouth to immediately answer that “yes, yes he would have” before he abruptly shut it. Yes, he would have figured out that he was in love with Claire… eventually, but it was the thought of losing her that sealed it for him. If Claire had left him for any other reason, travelling, a job in another country, he would have known the moment that she was gone that he was missing a part of himself. It didn’t matter if she loved him back or not (though thankfully she did) he knew that a life faced without her, wouldn’t be worth living.

Jamie paused as he tried to formulate his thoughts. He desperately wanted her to believe him but he understood why she didn’t. “I’ve dated lasses that I thought were the one but there was always something wrong.”

“If you say that “they weren’t me” I’ll hit you,” Claire said sarcastically under her breath and Jamie huffed out a breath of a laugh. It was true that none of them were Claire, and that was exactly what was wrong with them but he wasn’t going to say that now. 

“I’ve lost people as well, as ye well ken, and I grieved- certainly, but… I always kent a way forward. I always understood that while it hurt to lose them, I could keep living.” Jamie looked up at her to see if she understood what it was he was trying to say to her. 

“Tonight, the thought of losin’ ye completely… I didn’t know the next step forward without ye. I did’na know how or what I was meant to do next.”

“And you do now?” Claire asked, she still sounded unsure and Jamie was hoping that what he was telling her would alleviate those worries. 

“Aye, because there is only one way forward and I’m kicking’ ma’self for not see in’ it before.”

“What’s the way forward then?”

“Together.” He answered simply. “There’s only one option for me, and it’s you.”

Claire’s brow furrowed in thought, at least she wasn’t on the verge of tears anymore. Jamie sat crouched, feeling his legs starting to seize up after staying in such an uncomfortable position for so long, but he wouldn’t move for anything. 

“My worry-” Claire sighed heavily and shook her head before she started again. “I know I surprised you tonight. I know you weren’t expecting it. And I know that you were worried that you would lose me. But you wouldn’t have. I would have been ok with you- with us- with our friendship,” Claire hesitated over the word, “after a while. You wouldn’t have lost me completely.”

“Aye, but I would have lost part of ye. And I canna afford that.”

“My worry,” Claire started again, “is that whatever you think you feel for me is built out of a place of fear, it’s not built from… from… well, I don’t know where it should be built from, but it shouldn’t be built from fear.”

Jamie frowned as he thought over her words and she studied him carefully. Jamie was usually excellent at hiding his thoughts from everyone, including her, but clearly he wasn’t expecting her to be so resistant to him after pouring out her own feelings. She could see the confusion and hesitation flitting through his mind. 

“I think,” Claire continued when Jamie didn’t say anything, “if we had been friends for, say, six months and then I confessed to you that I was in love with you, it would be different. But not after 10 years.”

“Do ye regret telling me?”

“Yes,” Claire nodded honestly. “If I thought that it would make you feel like you would lose me forever and force you to love me, I wouldn’t have said anything… ever.”

“Force me to… What did ye think would happen when ye told me?” Jamie asked, dropping her hands and sitting back on his feet. He felt the loss of her immediately but she’d just told him that she regretted loving him- well not exactly that, but close enough.

“I thought I would feel relieved. I thought that you would accept it and give me space and then I’d get over it.” Claire said with a shrug. It wasn’t meant as a casual gesture, as if she hadn’t just turned both of their lives upside down, but because she didn’t know what else to do. 

“Do ye feel relieved?” He asked carefully, seeing her shake her head in response. 

“Not in the slightest. Not now anyway.”

“Why did ye think that I would give ye space? Why did ye think I would’na have my own feelings?”

“Because I know you Jamie,” Claire answered with a sigh. “I knew that you would have feelings about what I told you, but not those kinds of feelings. You haven’t… I don’t think that you’ve thought any of this out. Which is why we needed space. So that you could figure out what you want and … and what you think.”

“I dinna need time. I already know what I think.”

“But it’s built out of fear of losing our friendship. If I told you that I love you, but I was ok with us being friends…”

“Ye don’t think I would be here right now,” Jamie finished for her. 

“Would you be?”

“Aye,” he nodded earnestly. “If ye’d told me that ye loved me, and ye just wanted to be friends, I would be here,” Jamie answered quickly. Perhaps too quickly because Claire looked frustrated more than relieved. 

“You’d be here telling me that you love me?” She clarified, sounding not at all convinced as Jamie nodded again. “I don’t…” Claire hesitated and Jamie shook his head quickly, stopping her from continuing. 

“Am I not allowed to have feelings for ye? Ye can only have them for me and then play victim to yerself for me not lovin’ ye back?” He said sarcastically. 

“I don’t play victim to myself, Jamie,” Claire answered tiredly. “It’s just that I’ve had years to think this over and you’re deciding in one night. This isn’t… what I feel for you isn’t just some crush. This isn’t going to die out in a week. Because it’s been over ten years and I’m still waiting for me not to feel the way I do.”

“You don’t want to love me?” Jamie’s asked, his voice softer than before. 

“God no! Do you know how easier my life would have been not to feel this way?” Claire answered in exasperation. “This is what I mean. You have no idea how exhausting it is to be around you, and to love you with everything that I am, and have you not feel the same. I don’t blame you for it but I’m exhausted by it.”

“But if I love ye back, surely it’s not a bad thing.”

“My heart broke, every day that I saw you. I’m not saying that our friendship hasn’t been… been the best of my life, because you know it has, but it’s just that… my heart bleeds everytime I see you, and I don’t blame you for it at all. I blame myself for falling in love with my best friend. Of all the people in the world, it had to be you.”

“Will ye not let me love ye back?” Jamie was desperate, he didn’t know how to make her see that she’d opened his eyes tonight.

“I want that, truly I do want that. But I want you to think about it, think about what it means for us, because if we do, if you really are sure, there’s no going back for me. It will change things completely between us. And I’ve become too accustomed to my own heartbreak over you- over us, that I don’t know how to handle actually being with you.”

“Ye’re scared,” Jamie said matter-of-factly as he shook his head.

“Bloody hell, I’m terrified,” Claire breathed. “I was terrified as soon as the words were out of my mouth. I was terrified leaving you there. I was terrified when you turned up on my doorstep and I’m terrified with you sitting in front of me at the possibility that you might love me the same way that I love you. Too bloody right I’m terrified.”

“So why won’t ye trust me? Why won’t ye trust me to love ye?”

“Because I need to know that you have thought about this. I need to know that you are serious. I need to know… that… I need you to be all in.” Claire sat forward, hoping that what she was saying was making sense. She knew that Jamie could read her and she left everything she was feeling show. She would show him her fear, her love, her heartbreak. He could see it all.

“I dinna ken what I need to do to convince ye that I am there. That I am wi’ ye all of the way. I love ye, I dinna ken how more plainly I can say it.”

Claire smiled sadly as she shrugged slightly. “Time. You just need time. I need time. That’s all there is to it. Things like this don’t just happen overnight, these decisions don’t just happen.”

“But if I’m sure?” Jamie asked quietly, “If I don’t need time?”

“Then I am sure that you will feel the same tomorrow than you will a week from now.”

“Ye want me to take a week?”

“If you need more than a week, that’s fine too.”

“I dinna need a week, Claire. I ken it fine just now,” Jamie answered roughly.

“Then give me a week. Seven days for you to think things over, talk to Jenny and Ian if you need to. But be sure, because if you’re not, it will break my heart.”

Jamie stood up, feeling his knees protest after sitting in the same position for so long.

“I dinna need a week, Claire,” he repeated. “I love ye, but if ye need time from me, that’s all I can give ye. Promise me, ye will not change yer mind in seven days.”

“I’ve been this way for 10 years, that’s not likely.”

\--

They were standing at her front door when he turned back to her. He wasn’t ready to say goodbye to her yet, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to see or talk to her for a week. It wasn’t that long, they’d done it before- longer even, when they were on opposing schedules. But something about the next seven days felt far more infinite.

“Claire,” Jamie said as he looked at her. “May I… may I kiss ye… at least?”

Claire flushed a bright red and she felt her heart nearly leap out of her chest.

“No,” she shook her head. “In seven days, ask me again.”

Jamie was disappointed. He was sure that if she just let him kiss her she would know how much he loved her. She would be able to feel it and he wouldn’t need to come back in a week. They could start the next chapter of their lives right then and there. 

To be kissed by Jamie- she’d spent an entire summer when she was 17 wondering what it would be like. To have him ask her now, when she was already so emotionally raw, she couldn’t tell what would happen if they did. Better to wait, better for him to be sure, better for him to not break her heart again.

“Aye. Seven days.” 

And then he was gone.

\---

Seven days. One week. It had never seemed so long to both Jamie and Claire. 

They tried to go about their days, tried to act as if it was business as usual but they were both distracted. 

Claire wondered how Jamie was feeling. The morning after her confession to Jamie, after their conversation, after she woke up feeling like she was hung over, Claire wondered if Jamie regretted it all. 

Jamie wondered how to convince Claire that he did love her. After he left her flat, Jamie lay in his bed trying to process the events of the night. It certainly hadn’t been anything close to what he thought would happen. Jamie tried to picture their life together, their life as a couple and he was stunned at how easily the image came to him.

Imagining them dating was so easy, it was what they did already, dinners out, movies, walks in parks. The only difference now is that they were hand in hand with each other and Jamie could stop and pull her into a kiss whenever he felt like it. 

He pictured their fights, because there would be fights. Claire had a fierce tongue and wit to match. Jamie had a temper and was quick with his words. It would be explosive, but they would always come back together, they always did. 

Before he could stop himself he pictured kissing her. The way that her mouth would fall open, the way that he would run his fingers through her curls, she would hiss as he caught a knot and he would take the opportunity to deepen the kiss. He could only imagine the sounds she would make. He’d heard her grunts of annoyance when things didn’t quite go her way and her squeaks of surprise when he used to jump around corners and scare her. What would she sound like? What would she feel like? 

Jamie took a very, very cold shower and fell in bed, unable to sleep. The cold shower doing nothing to stop the thoughts of Claire from coming unbidden to his mind. 

—

After seven days, Claire had no idea how Jamie was feeling. They hadn’t spoken all week, both with an unspoken agreement that space would be better. Claire felt lonely, she felt bored, all she wanted to do was message Jamie, tell him to come over and keep her company for just a while. She hated herself for saying something and then telling him to have a week to figure it out. The worry that he would change his mind ate at her and she had trouble sleeping. The worry that he would come back and feel the same kept her awake thinking about what it would be like for them to be together. 

Consuming. Them together would be consuming. They knew each other so well, it wouldn’t ever be the meek and shy new beginning of a relationship, it would be everything- and Claire was terrified. 

There would be no warm up, no trial period; they already knew everything there was to know about one another. Claire knew what Jamie was like in a relationship. She had watched him (jealously) for years with the women he had brought into his life. How he treated them, how he spoke to them, how he loved them- each in their own way. She couldn’t help but wonder if Jamie would treat her differently, whether they ended up together or not. 

They had agreed to meet at Claire’s place, better to do whatever it was they were about to do in private. If Jamie was going to break her heart again, she would rather she was at her flat where she could lock herself away and pretend that she didn’t exist. 

Claire wasn’t ever the type of person that put her hopes into someone else, let alone a man. She was independent, she knew how to take care of herself and how to protect herself from getting hurt. But somehow that was all thrown out the window with Jamie. Their friendship blurred so many lines that she held with every other friendship she had. They were completely ingrained in each other’s lives and she couldn’t bear to let him go completely. If he came to realise that he didn’t love her and that it was built from a fear of losing her friendship, Claire didn’t know what she would do. She didn’t want to keep putting herself through the pain of loving him and not being able to be with him. She would need to get over him, somehow- she had no idea how. 

Truthfully, Claire had spent the week separated from Jamie trying to prepare herself for the oncoming rejection. She had browsed a few dating apps and websites. She’d gone to more pubs and bars on a weeknight that she ever had before. She tried to smile at strangers, open herself up to the possibility that she might be able to love someone other than Jamie. But every event was a failure. The people that did try and chat her up were fine, to be fair, but they weren’t Jamie. And that was the real issue. No matter what, every single person would never measure up to Jamie and that was all she wanted.

On the Friday afternoon, the day before she was seeing Jamie again, she was in the public library. She wasn’t looking for anything in particular, fiction, nonfiction, biography, self-help- it didn’t matter. What she was really looking for was a distraction. 

As she read the blurb of a ridiculous sounding romance novel she felt eyes on her and looked up to see a middle aged man smiling at her. She returned the smile quickly before putting the book back on the shelf and leaving quickly. 

There was nothing wrong with smiling at a stranger, he had kind eyes and a nice smile. But he wasn’t Jamie. 

If Jamie didn’t love her, it was going to take her a long time to be ok with that. It was fine when he didn’t know, she couldn’t blame him for not loving her and she couldn’t blame herself for not being enough for him. Now he knew, and if he didn’t love her it would be her fault. 

Her knees were bouncing with nerves as a knock sounded on her door and she swallowed heavily. 

—-

Seven days was like slow and painful torture to Jamie. All he wanted to do was see her. All he wanted to do was tell her that he loved her. All he wanted was her. 

She wanted distance. She wanted him to think about how he felt. She wanted him to be sure. 

He was sure. He knew it the moment that she’d left his flat that night that he loved her. It was like the door closed, the lock sealing the door and “click” something in his heart fell into place and he knew he loved her. 

Claire didn’t believe him, she thought he was being rash, that he hadn’t thought it through, but what was there to think through? He loved her, they could be together, why make it more complicated than it needed to be?

It would change things between them, but why shouldn’t it? Change wasn’t a bad thing, they could continue to grow together, with each other, into each other. Jamie knew that she was scared; scared to tell him, scared of what it would mean for both of them, but he was so glad that she did. How many more years would he have wasted looking for something that had been in front of him since he was a wee bairn. 

Seven days couldn’t move fast enough. Jamie’s thoughts were consumed with how he could love her and how he could be enough for her. She was a remarkable woman, he had seen her grow and mature, he’d seen her at her worst, screaming, crying, molten anger with fire in her eyes and he’d seen her at her best, smiling, joyful, flushed rosy cheeks with liquid gold in her eyes. 

She was attractive. He’d always known that. Curly hair that she had tried to straighten for years and years before finally giving up. An ass that had given him an immediate hard-on when she wore her new bikini when they were 15 years old. She was shy, hands across a tiny stomach, trying to cover something that wasn’t there. 

He tried hard not to objectify her. She was his best friend and best friends didn’t think like that about each other. But there were times when he couldn’t help it. The black tank top that she wore one summer that made the chestnut of her hair glow and showed the shape of her breasts that he just knew would fit perfectly in his hands. She used to complain that they were too small in comparison to her ass. He always thought she looked just fine. 

She was smart. Naturally talented that way, but that didn’t mean she didn’t work hard. She worked harder than anyone else he knew. A career in medicine, business, finance, NASA- whatever she wanted to do, she could and she would. She was driven, and ambitious. 

She was confident, sometimes arrogant, when she thought she was right. She apologised when she was wrong, but it took awhile for her to get there sometimes. 

By Saturday, Jamie was itching to see her. To tell her that he loved her and that he was more than ready to start this new chapter together. He didn’t think that she would have changed her mind about him, but the niggling feeling in the back of his mind that she might have, stayed regardless. 

—

“Hi,” Claire all but whispered the word as she opened the door to see Jamie standing nervously in front of her. 

“Sassenach,” he nodded his head at her. 

This was weird. They never greeted each other at the door. Jamie had a key to her flat; she had a key to his. They never knocked. For a while they had been playing a horrible game of sneaking into each other’s flats and trying to scare the other. It only stopped because after a miscommunication they had gone to each other’s flats and hid for 20 minutes before they called each other impatiently wondering where the other one was so they could scare them. 

Jamie didn’t wait for Claire to invite him in and simply made his way past her into the flat. That was more natural to them. Claire shook off her nerves as she closed the door. 

—

As terrified as she was of what Jamie was going to say to her, she couldn’t help the overwhelming rush of emotions that passed through her as she saw him sitting casually on her couch. 

Damn it, she loved this man. If he didn’t love her back, well, it wouldn’t kill her, but it would make it extraordinarily painful to be around him. Especially with him knowing how she felt about him. The feelings hadn’t changed in ten years. It was unlikely that they would change in another ten. If anything, she found herself loving him more and more. She found more things about him fascinating, more things to fall in love with. It was unfair. It was unfair that he was so good, so attractive, so kind, too funny; anyone simply passing him on the street would love him, and they probably did. 

He had his flaws, everyone did. Stubborn, pigheaded, emotionally stunted sometimes. But she loved him anyway. 

—

As nervous as Jamie was for this conversation he couldn’t help the flooding sense of calm he felt when he was around Claire. 

Damn it, he loved this woman. He was such an idiot for not seeing it sooner, for not telling her how he felt sooner, for not loving her the way that she deserved. Since he’d first met her when they were young children, he knew that she was meant to be in his life. She was shy, closed and reserved to everyone but him. Slowly she opened herself up and made some new friends, which made Jamie insanely jealous, not that he would ever say that out loud. She started to thrive at school. Extremely intelligent, quick witted and attractive, she soon had a following of friends, including Jamie. The lads all eyed her and the girls all wanted to sit next to her. She was still slightly closed off to them all. All except Jamie. 

As she grew and matured, as they grew and matured together, Jamie found more and more things to love about her. Her sharp tongue, and biting sarcasm. Her goofy laugh, or the way she snorted over something particularly entertaining. 

She had her imperfections. She was quick to anger and slow to forgive, she was stubborn and arrogant and made his blood boil sometimes, but dammit if he didn’t love her with everything that he was. 

—

“Good week?” Claire asked as she entered the living room. She wondered where she should sit, if she should even sit at all. Her eyes ran briefly over the single armchair that she had planted herself in the last time she had seen Jamie and shook her head before joining him on the couch. 

“Quiet,” Jamie answered as he turned his body to face her more fully. “Yers?”

“About the same,” she replied casually. 

Both were sitting in forced relaxed positions. Both were humming with nervous energy. Both didn’t want to be the first to speak. 

An uneasy silence settled over them. Claire picked at a thread on one of the cushions and Jamie’s gaze was firmly set on his left boot. 

At one point Jamie opened his mouth and Claire looked up at him eagerly, only to see him scratching the stubble on his cheek. 

This was awful. They were both suffering under the weight of the silence but both had no idea how to start. 

One of them needed to say something. The silence was unbearable. 

Something. 

Anything. 

While Claire was silently begging Jamie to speak, Jamie was mutely pleading for Claire to simply look at him. 

“Do you want something to drink?” Claire asked, unable to bear the lull between them anymore. She may not be talking about what was on her mind, but something was better than nothing. 

“Nah,” Jamie shook his head, declining the offer. She had offered him a drink but she had directed the question to his knee, still avoiding looking at him. He was sure that she was terrified, he certainly was, but he knew that once she looked at him- really looked at him, she would see how much he loved her. 

Claire sat back in the chair. She’d tried something and Jamie shut her down. Was that how the bulk of their conversation was going to go? She’d offered herself to him, was he going to turn her down? She couldn’t look at him, she couldn’t muster up the courage. After a week of missing him and craving to see him, now that he was there she couldn’t bear to look. 

“Claire.” Her name said so gently. 

Claire felt shudders reverberate through her body at the sound. 

Jamie was kicking himself for his voice not working properly. 

“Jamie.” His name almost whispered in response. 

Jamie felt warmth spread from his heart and target his groin. 

Claire wanted to clear her throat from the lump that had formed there. 

“We should… we need to…” Jamie began. 

“Uh huh,” Claire agreed, nodding. She still wasn’t looking at him. 

“You first.” Said at exactly the same time, same tone, same worry, same laugh at their mistake. 

“I suppose I’ll go first then, shall I?” Jamie asked. Claire could only nod in response. 

“Claire,” he began seriously, “Ye worry that I’m too rash, that I did’na really think about what ye were sayin’ and what it meant. I’ve had a week now to think about… it all. Think about us… together or not together. I’ve thought about it… every which way and…” Jamie paused. How to say it? How to tell her that she was everything to him? If only she would look at him.

Claire was holding her breath. This was it, the make or break of their relationship. What was taking him so long? Claire just wanted him to spit it out and get the heartbreak over. 

“Did ye ken, ye gave me my first cockstand when we were 14?” Jamie suddenly asked and Claire looked up at him in surprise. That was certainly not what she was expecting him to say. 

Jamie almost sighed in relief as she finally looked at him. Golden eyes met blue and he hoped that she could finally see how much he loved her. 

“I’m sorry, what?” Claire spluttered.

“Aye,” Jamie nodded seriously. “It was maybe the fourth day of school. Ye bent to pick up yer bag and ye’d clearly filled out over the summer, the one ye went away with Lamb to Greece and I did’na see ye until we went back to school. Ye were tanned somehow, even though ye have the fairest skin I’ve ever seen. Anyway, ye picked up yer bag and I saw straight down yer top.”

Claire’s cheeks immediately flamed red and she fought the urge to bury her face in her hands. “Jamie, that’s mortifying. Why would you tell me that?”

“Let me finish,” he grinned at her. “Anyway, I saw right down yer top and it was like lightning straight to my cock. Then I saw Angus was looking as well and I nearly thumped the shit outta him. I did give him a fairly good whack if memory serves.”

“Is there a point to this horrendous story?” Claire whined, the heat of her cheeks was still flushing deeply. 

“Aye, I’m getting there,” Jamie answered patiently. “Anyway, I started havin’ thoughts about ye that were’na strictly platonic, ye ken. And I had to tell myself “Jamie, lad, that is’na how ye think about yer best friend.” And that was the first time that I really thought that I might be in love wit’ ye.”

Claire swallowed heavily and Jamie shifted on the couch to a more comfortable position. Clearly he was in storytelling mode. He was a natural at it, it was something that Claire loved about him, but right now she didn’t want a story. She just wanted to know if Jamie loved her or not. 

“When we were eight, I fell off one of the horses in the back paddock and ye patched up my bruises, and I kent that I would always need ye around me.”

Claire smiled shyly at the memory before Jamie continued.

“Ye started dating that twat of a bloke, Frank when ye were 15.”

Claire scoffed with laughter and rolled her eyes. 

“And let me tell ye Sassenach, when I saw him kiss ye the first time, I’ve never felt a rage come over me like that. I told myself that it was because he was a right pompous twat that I wanted to hit him. It had nothing to do with feeling anything for ye, beyond being yer friend. But I kent it then, I was jealous. I wanted to kiss ye, instead of him. Thank Christ ye broke up with him eventually.”

Claire shook her head, but was smiling. Jamie never did like Frank. The whole reason she broke up with him was because she realised that she had feelings for Jamie. 

“When we finally turned 18 and went to our first bar and drank far too much, far too quickly. Ye were dancing, packed on either side by other people, but I could only look at ye. Ye tried to get me to dance, remember?”

Claire nodded as she smiled at the memory. 

“Ye pulled me onto that bloody dance floor, and started to dance around me. Made me laugh. Then ye started to dance on me. Grindin’ yer hips. I wanted to kiss ye, take ye home and make ye mine. I told myself it was the alcohol. That we’d both drunk too much, ye were my best friend and I should’na cross that line. Jesus, ye made it hard though.” Jamie shook his head at the memory. How he had put off accepting that he loved Claire for so long was beyond him. 

“When we were 22, ye started dating that lad, Hal. I hated that guy as well.”

Claire huffed out a laugh at the statement. “You don’t like anyone I date!”

“Aye, because they weren’t me,” Jamie answered simply and Claire’s heart felt like it dropped somewhere on the floor. 

“I did’na like Frank because he was a twat. I did’na like Hal because he thought he was better than everyone. I did’na like John because… well, I did like John but he was’na right for ye and I found every reason I could to hate him. When we went to DisneyLand a few years ago, and ye got soaked on that one ride, I nearly popped a blood vessel in my eyes tryin’ not to look at ye. Two years ago, ye sat on my lap in a pub when there were no more seats and I nearly had to push ye off in case I embarrassed myself in front of ye. Last year ye rang me crying about yer job and I wanted to hunt down every person that had ever upset ye and wring their necks. A month ago ye made me laugh so hard I actually pulled a muscle in my stomach. Two weeks ago, we had coffee and ye got chocolate powder on yer nose and it made my… I kent I was holding something back from me, from you, from the both of us. One week ago, ye told me that ye loved me.” Jamie paused and studied Claire. 

Claire felt like she couldn’t breathe. 

“Tonight, I’m sitting here in front of ye after ye asked me to take a week to think about how I really felt about ye. Claire. I have’na just loved ye for a week. I’ve loved ye since I met ye. Ye think I’m being rash, but I’ve loved ye for as long as I’ve kent ye. I canna picture my life wi’out ye and I dinna want to. Ye make me laugh, ye make me angrier than anyone else in my life, including Jenny. Ye make me feel like I want to be a better person for ye, and ye make me a better person just by being around ye. I love ye Claire. Completely. I’m sorry that it took so long for me to admit it.”

Jamie could feel his heart thumping heavily in his chest at the end of his admission. 

“I don’t… I won’t ever try to change ye, I want ye exactly as ye are. I swear to ye Claire, I won't break yer heart,” Jamie went on when Claire didn’t respond. 

“Ye’ll get sick of me, more than ye already do, for how much I will love ye.”

“Jamie, stop, stop,” Claire finally said weakly. 

“Claire… I…”

“I just… you love me… you really love me?” Claire couldn’t believe it. Had he really loved her for as long as she had loved him?

“Aye,” Jamie breathed the word. His fingers were tapping on this thigh nervously. She hadn’t told him that she loved him back yet. 

“Ask me,” she almost whispered. 

“Ask ye what?” Jamie was confused. Ask her if she loved him as well?

“Ask me what you did last week.” Her voice was shaking as Jamie realised what she meant. 

“Claire, may I kiss ye?” Jamie wished his voice didn’t waiver. Claire wished she’d had a breath mint. 

Blue eyes met watery gold. 

Standing on a precipice, one step and they could be falling into something new. One move, a tilt of the head, the space between them reduced, hurtling toward the edge to say goodbye to friendship, hello to love. 

Claire nodded as Jamie tongue briefly darted out to wet his lips. 

Slowly they moved toward each other. Jamie shifted into a better position. Claire didn’t know what to do with her hands. 

Jamie gently brushed a curl away from Claire’s cheek. Claire flinched at the contact and Jamie’s hand hesitated before he cupped her jaw. 

A final check in each of their eyes. Was this ok? Was this what they wanted? Falling in love- had they already fallen? Then what was this? 

This was hurtling over the edge into the unknown. 

A breath of space between them. Their eyes had closed. Both hearts pounding in different rhythm as their noses brushed against each other and naturally tilted their heads for better access to each other. 

The suspense before lips touch, before the final hurdle, before everything changed. The seconds spread between them, prolonging the moment as they gave into the eroticism of anticipation before their lips met. 

Falling. A swooping stomach at the loss of gravity. As their lips met they were falling. 


End file.
